Phonetic Smellings

This is my world famous Lemon Bar recipe. I used to make these for an ex-girlfriend who didn’t like me very much, however I cared for her tremendously and as a result I spent a lot of time trying to figure out ways to make her happy. That being said, these didn’t get me very far but I did learn how to bake the living shit out of a Lemon Bar (and a Lemon Bar will never kick you out of its house and take your dog away from you). – S.

You will need a 9 x 13 glass baking dish, lightly greased (I prefer the spray variety as butter or oil tends to torch the crust). Glass really works best. Believe you and me, son, I’ve tried them all. Metal, glass, ceramic. Use the glass.

Ingredients:

For the crust:
2 cups all purpose flour
1 cup powdered sugar
2 sticks of unsalted butter, cut up into cubes
8-9 twists of a sea salt grinder

For the filling:
2 cups granulated sugar
6 tbsp. all purpose flour
1 heaping tsp. lemon sugar*
4 eggs
2 tbsp. powdered sugar for dusting
2 large pinches of granulated sugar
8-9 tbsp. ReaLemon brand concentrated Lemon juice. Accept no substitutes and avoid fresh lemons like the plague in this circumstance. They will do you absolutely no good. Promise.

*this, unfortunately, is “the rub” as they say: a company called “Spice Island” used to sell a jar of “Lemon Peel” which contained sugar, lemon peel, and lemon oil and is really the reason why my Lemon Bars work so well. AFAIK “Spice Island” no longer makes this lemon peel/sugar concoction and only sells straight lemon peel. It is easily reverse-engineered (lemon sugar, duh), however YMMV. In any event, unless you really know what you are doing, omit this step.

Preheat the oven to 350°

Prepare the crust as follows:

In a large glass mixing bowl combine the flour, powdered sugar, and sea salt. Using your hands (I have tried every method under the sun for this step, i.e. pastry cutter, however IMO using your hands gives you more control over the consistency of the crust) work the butter into the crust until you are left with a consistent, crumbly mixture. This takes awhile, and for what it is worth, is a zen thing for which the nuances are more or less impossible to convey with words. It takes an awful lot of trial and error. Bake the pain away.

Pour the mixture into the lightly greased glass dish. Firmly press the crust into place, ensuring that the mixture is evenly dispersed. As a last step I like to use my fingers to pock-mark the crust (consistent small dimples, or impressions across the surface of the dough, kind of like you are making a pizza) so that the filling integrates into the crust seamlessly.

Bake for 20 minutes, and not a minute more. Consistency is key.

The filling:

While the crust is baking prepare the lemon bar filling. In a large glass mixing bowl add the granulated sugar, flour, and lemon sugar and stir until mixed evenly.  Add the four eggs and whisk, by hand, until the eggs turn a pale yellow color. Next, add the lemon juice (again, it’s a Zen thing, sometimes 8 tbsp. feels right, sometimes it’s 9, go with your gut). If you are really feeling adventurous, perhaps you could go with 10 tbsp. of lemon juice. I would be interested to hear your results if you choose this path.  Continue whisking until the ingredients are thoroughly mixed.

After 20 minutes take out the crust and SLOWLY pour the lemon filling directly upon the crust (hastily slopping it about can break up the still-delicate crust). Furthermore, it would be in good taste to give the filling another quick mix with the whisk before baking as the particulates tend to sink to the bottom; stir them up before placing in the oven to ensure your flavors are even distributed. Place back into the oven and continue to bake for 25 minutes, and again, not a minute more.

When the lemon bars have finished baking, carefully remove the dish from the oven and set on a wire cooling rack. As a precaution, while the bars are still hot, I like to take a knife and delicately run the knife along the edge of the lemon bars and the glass dish; the thinking here is that as the lemon bars cool, the sides have a tendency to stick to the glass rim while the rest of the pastry pulls away resulting in a sloppy looking dessert). While the bars are still hot, sprinkle the top of the bars with a light coating of granulated sugar (the intense heat of the fresh-from-the-oven lemon bars will melt the sugar and exist as a kind of invisible coating on the surface–alas, this is nothing more than an added fail-safe geared for the expert variety sweet-tooth, but should remain more or less unnoticed to the novice).

Allow the lemon bars to cool completely, cut into squares. Remove from pan and finish off with a liberal dusting of powdered sugar. Arrange on your favorite platter.